So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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