It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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