just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
