woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
