please come you make the beer taste better
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
