$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
