woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
