is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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