I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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