One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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