Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize