Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
