U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
