You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
