the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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