Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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