Do you still have your period?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
