So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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