who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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