11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
