wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
