She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
