I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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