My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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