I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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