You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
