i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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