i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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