you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
