you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
