Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
