you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
