I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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