Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
