apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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