I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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