as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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