It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
No subtext here. People are naked.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
try to milk me bitch
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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