You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
