On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
