dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Found your dick twin last night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
