Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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