Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
