Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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