I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
