Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
