Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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