My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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