I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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