Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
