I just made out with a guy for $7.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
