So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
