I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
