You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
