he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
