if you like me you must not know who I am
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
50% drunk capacity currently
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize